Women need men. And men need women.
The case for more appreciation between the sexes.
A commentary on “Das Ende des weißen Mannes wie auch des Wohlstandes” (published on the blog uepsilonniks on September 17, 2022)
Today’s commentary needs a brief introductory explanation because the idea for writing it started with the following statement:
“Women achieve less.”
When I read this sentence on a German men's rights blog by uepsilonniks – I happened to stumble upon his article on Twitter –, it was naturally rather difficult for me to restrain myself from commenting, especially since the predominantly male squad of users had already posted some very interesting comments, fervently agreeing on how lazy, how mean and how evil in general females were. Users wrote things like “Women are generally not ready to put their lives in danger for other people” or “I believe that women are actually smarter in that regard, not to get burnt out. Why bust one’s back if you can have the luxury [of being financially sustained by a man]?” Some really good stuff. So, to quote myself here, I left the following comment:
“This text could have used less polemic and more nuance.
By saying that “women achieve less” you use the same malicious kind of ammunition that you criticize radical feminists for. Women don’t achieve less, they achieve different things. Talk to mothers, nurses, carers for the elderly, teachers and other ‘more feminine’ jobs and see for yourself.
As a woman, I’m against a female quota and I find this radically feminist kind of men bashing very problematic as well. As you lay out, men are indispensable for our society – just as women are. The real issue lies in that the sexes are being pitted against each other by replacing equality of OPPORTUNITY (men and women must have the same chances) by equality of OUTCOME (men and women must be equally represented in certain jobs). Any quota is discriminatory and it always selects to the disadvantage of society as a whole.
We need to stop this anti-men attitude because it is anti-human. But in order to do so, we need MEN who don’t say misogynistic things like “women achieve less”, but who work TOGETHER with women, so we can call attention to this matter.
Apart from the expected, sometimes quite nasty and ugly comments about women, the reaction from the author himself positively surprised me: uepsilonniks asked me if I wanted to publish a guest essay on the topic on his blog. I respect people who listen to different opinions and who allow for discussion (even if I certainly don’t always share the author’s opinion). Because that’s exactly what I want: discussion, debate, bringing people closer and – maybe, that would be really nice – mutual understanding and a betterment of the status quo. So, I agreed to his proposal and voilà, the idea for this commentary was born.
There are some points where I actually do agree with the author. As a woman, I’m also against a female quota. I’m generally against any kind of quota because it fundamentally contradicts meritocracy, which (in its pure, ideal state) is the only way to put competent individuals in key positions through achievement and selection, so that they can improve society as a whole and make progress, no matter if they’re a man or a woman. Furthermore, I also agree that the German Secretary of State Annalena Baerbock’s statement about “feminist foreign policies” is utter nonsense. Everything she says is basically utter nonsense, the same goes for other incompetent “quota women” in German politics such as Secretary of Defense Christine Lambrecht or Ricarda Lang, the chairwoman of the German Green Party. It doesn’t matter if they’re women or not. It’s not like their male counterparts such as Chancellor Olaf Scholz, Secretary of Commerce Robert Habeck or Treasury Secretary Christian Lindner were less stupid and incompetent.
But what should a woman make of sentences like “women achieve less”? The assumption that women have the “privilege” to avoid “working outside the home” or that the matriarchy failed due to lack of determination to work is evidence of a very unilateral, limited and resentful perspective which sees the majority of women as lazy and exploitative people who won’t lift a finger, oppress men and trample on them while painting their nails (yes, I’m deliberately polemic here). That’s about as true as the claim that the majority of men are arrogant machos who sexually harass women from dusk till dawn, who want to enforce patriarchal oppressive structures and who cannot handle the fact that women are successful in their career. Are there lazy women? Of course. Are there sexist men? You bet. But there are also sexist women and lazy men.
I believe that one central skill that has got lost in today’s ideologically supercharged debate culture is the ability to change perspectives. This is also – or especially – true for the discussion at hand about how women’s and men’s rights are handled today, how women and men are situated in today’s society, and what kind of obstacles and challenges the two sexes have to face. One thing becomes clear: It’s neither the women’s nor the men’s fault. The fault lies, as often, in the system.
The system is the fundamental problem and cause for the fact that the sexes are virtually set against each other. Firstly, this happens on a political scale where the noble and important concept of equality of opportunity (women and men must have the same rights and chances) is continually being substituted by the concept of equality of outcome (the same number of women and men must be represented in certain jobs). This can lead to outrageously unfair situations for men who, understandably, are annoyed and angered, as their achievements are often being devalued in favor of potentially less achieving women (see “quota women”). Secondly, this happens in the media sphere where shameful terms such as “toxic masculinity” or the popular narrative of the omnipresent “patriarchy” (according to which every man in the history of mankind has been, is and will be oppressive) has entered the discussion and is being propagated. Making men, especially young men, believe that there is something inherently wrong with them is a very inhumane way of stigmatizing about 50 percent of the population and will inevitably cause more problems, not less. Thirdly, radical movements – radial feminists on the one side and misogynists on the other side – are given much too much space and importance, which creates the warped impression that all women are in favor of #MenAreTrash and constantly play the #MeToo card, while all men are sexist women beaters.
But we won’t get anywhere like this. Do we really want to live in a society where men are constantly pitted against women and vice versa in endless accusations, mutual distrust and disagreement, which will ultimately have disastrous consequences for our children and families? I believe a change of perspective is in order. We need empathy and understanding for the other side. And what seems most important to me: mutual appreciation.
Appreciation seems to me the golden key to solving this dilemma. We have to appreciate the mothers and daughters of this society, appreciate the fathers and sons of this society. And I’m not talking about the kind of political blah and empty talk you hear in the media, which doesn’t help anyone. It’s about appreciating the achievements of those women and men we see every day, right under our noses. Being thankful for the road mender who works for hours on end to tar the street despite the glaring heat. For the nurse who is at her patients’ side in the dark hours on her night shift. For the fireman who saves people from burning buildings, risking his own life. For the police woman who makes our streets safer, risking her own life. True appreciation is the only antidote we have to counter the continuous poisoning of the relation between the sexes that is happening due to disastrous politics, ideologically biased media and resentful and radical spin doctors.
Incidentally, uepsilonniks also complains about the lack of appreciation from women in his blog article. And he’s right about that. I also criticize this lack of appreciation when I read sentences such as “women achieve less”. Now, I could write down a long list of all the reasons why we should especially appreciate women, but I’m happy to leave this challenge to the male commentators of his blog or uepsilonniks himself for another blog article. Instead, I’d like to lead by example and strike a blow for all the good men out there.
Because, to cite the both controversial and brilliant intellectual Jordan Peterson: “What the hell are we going to do without men?”1 We need men. We need their physical strength because it’s mostly men who keep our basic infrastructure running. We need their mental strength, their resourcefulness, their combative spirit, their stamina, their initiative, their drive, their humor. We need them as reliable and caring husbands and fathers, we need their active support in our society, not just for women and children, but for everyone, young and old. When I look around, I see these men every day: garbage men who empty the dumpster in the early morning and who clean up the streets; fathers who play with her children on their way to school; delivery men who bring heavy goods to our supermarkets, restaurants and stores; helpful and competent colleagues at work; the nice waiter at the café next door; the friendly barber at the barber shop around the corner; the handyman who repairs the broken toilet; the men in my circle of friends who can ease any conversation with their humor or enrich them with interesting topics; the authors who wrote the brilliant literature sitting on my book shelf; the inventors of ingenious technological devices that make our lives easier. And so on and so forth… To me, it’s beyond doubt that men should be appreciated and I don’t want to do without them.
Whenever the system tries to inculcate us with the idea that the other sex is the root of all evil, we must not fall for the attempt to divide us. Political decisions that discriminate against men are as bad as those that discriminate against women. If people from the government call for a female quota, it doesn’t mean that all women agree, nor that they are guilty if a man doesn’t get a job. It’s the government’s fault, not the women’s fault. If masculinity is being portrayed as toxic by the media, it’s doesn’t mean that all women demonize men. It’s the media’s fault, not the women’s fault. Because even though the mob of men-bashing females does exist, just as the group of women haters does, these radicals are by no means the majority (they might just have too much power at the moment). In this case, it’s our task as considerate women or reasonable men to defend the other sex against these damaging generalizations and this hate, and to try and make the world a better place.
For in the end, we need each other: Men need women and women need men. At the end of the day, we are simply humans. It would be good not to fall for the cheap idea of women being from Venus and men from Mars, and that the sexes are supposedly damned to an eternal fight that only one can win. That’s simply nonsense. Instead, one should read the following quote by the aforementioned Mr. Peterson who, as usual, gets to the heart of the matter: “It turns out that women need men and men need women, and that’s why there are men and women […] of course, you know, we’re the same creatures. We’ve been cooperating together culturally and biologically, well, since sex itself was invented which was hundreds of millions of years ago. To think of us as separate, in some sense, in our interests, except in the most trivial way, is a very shallow way of looking at the world.”
About the author: Born 1987, with roots in Germany and the Philippines, living in Spain. Constantly curious and eager to learn new things. Freedom > safety. Your own opinion > groupthink. Coffee > tea. Essay recommendation: “The Boys Feminism Left Behind” by Richard V Reeves on Common Sense.
Die deutsche Version des Artikels findet sich hier:
“What the hell are we going to do without men? You look around the city here, you see all these buildings go up. These men, they’re doing impossible things. They’re under the streets, working on the sewers. They’re up on the power lines, in the storms and the rain. They’re keeping this impossible infrastructure functioning. This thing that works in miraculous manner. They work themselves to death. And that’s not toxic masculinity. That appalling phrase. It’s what makes the world going round.”
Good nuanced piece. Threads the needle nicely.